To the friend I let have space

To the friend I convinced myself needed space…….I’m sorry,

See as your friend I made the mistake of ignoring my intuition and forcing myself into your life.  I decided to give you space.  Sometimes I find myself needing space too ya know?  A few hours of quiet time.  A little bit of me time.  It’s all that I need every now and then.  But I gave you a few days.  Those days turned to weeks.  The weeks became months.  The longer you didn’t reach out, the more I figured you needed space.

Even when I woke up thinking about you.

I said you still needed space.  When I saw social media posts of you out with people I didn’t know, I said it’s okay; she’s okay. As long as you were still posting every now and then I knew you were alive and I quieted the voice in my spirit that said Reach Out.

Perhaps its because I’m stubborn?  Maybe it’s because you needed the space and not me and since I said “call me if you need anything” I thought that was enough.  But then I learned months later, you weren’t okay.  I felt those little taps on my shoulder to reach out and I didn’t.  I ignored opportunities to call and leave a voicemail, even if you didn’t answer.

Those moments when I got frustrated with texting you and you never responded, I should have kept on doing it.  I probably should have just stopped my car when I drove past your job.  I should have at least sent a card to let you know I was thinking about you.

My ego got in the way of our friendship.  My feelings were in the way.  Taking your friendship, your energy and your physical presence for granted is something I did and I shouldn’t have.  You’re more than a friend, you’re my sister.  The same way I had to learn to navigate my life without you, you’ve had to do the same.

Sometimes I’m a bully.

Some things about ourselves we have to accept.  It’s easy for me to PUSH my way into your narrative without being invited.  I’m not always understanding.  My personality has not always made room for humility and compassion.  But I’m learning to lead with love.  Learning to listen more than I speak is something I’m working on.

So to my friend that I let have some space…It’s time to close that gap.  I need you as much as you need me.  You are important to me and our friendship is necessary.

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